Adopted siblings & detrimental dominance

I had a bit of a shocker this morning. First, I hate mornings and I was the one downstairs before my husband. But then, as I was boiling the kettle, I saw an interesting chain of events unfold.

I've always known that the personalities of our two boys differ greatly, but I didn't realize how much it played out, without the watchful direction of adults. But even more of a surprise was the acceptance of my boys, that this is how their world should look. This can only happen when one sibling accepts that the other sibling has the right to dominance. Something I have noticed in my adopted sons from day one. I see it as pretty damaging, but no matter how hard I've tried, nothing ever changes.

Let's continue with the events this morning. My youngest son pulled back the kitchen curtains to let light into the room and plonked himself on a chair at the breakfast table. The eldest, who is always the shy, quiet one, went to feed the dog. So far, nothing too unusual. He likes the dog and quite likes being the one to take on this responsibility in the morning. I was in a bit of a blur, you know, that morning daze when things are happening around you, but you are only semi-aware? My eldest son came back from the utility room, he got out the bowls and spoons for breakfast for both of them.

My mouth must have been open in disbelief, because I know I didn't say anything. I guess if I had, I would have interrupted what seemed to be a well-rehearsed routine. This must happen in the 15 minutes before my husband arrives downstairs every morning. I was of course fully expecting my younger son to then get the breakfast cereals and the milk. But NO! He sat there, whilst my eldest got the cereal from the other cupboard. He also had the cheek to send him back for an additional box of cereal. Finally, the eldest got the milk from the fridge.

I think the most disturbing part of it, was that my eldest adopted son, politely waited until his younger sibling had helped himself to both cereal and milk before having his own. I quickly connected my thoughts, after a few shell-shocked minutes. I pointed out to my youngest son that he had just let his brother do everything for him. Normally,

I get lots of excuses, quite loud complaints when he's told off, but he kind of nodded, unapologetically. My eldest son didn't say anything at all. There could be many reasons, of course, for this pattern that has always been there between our boys. I think the older one sees it as his younger brother's right to be dominant over him. In many ways, this son believes it's everybody's right to rule over him. It seems particularly sad though when it's his own brother. I know I should keep working on this view he has of the world. But I'm fighting against the existing blueprint. The outworking of childhood trauma in a past life, and their current ways of coping with it. So often, I've noticed, when adults aren't present they fall into parenting themselves, making their own rules of survival.

The question remains for me, how much do I challenge this? How much do I acknowledge that it's part of who they are and their identity? Writing this adoptive family blog, allows me to consider my role in all this. Maybe you have had similar or heard of experiences like this with adopted siblings. If so, I would love to hear from you. Follow me on Youtube (adoption with Nyree) where there's a playlist on siblings. DM on Instagram, and we can talk about these things. Thanks for reading, share my blog if you can. Nyree